ACMUN 2011 Opening Speech – “We are proud that the resolution to create Statebook was passed unanimously by the Security Council”

Paul Lau and Laura Breen (UWCAC, 2010-12)

Delegates, Ladies and Gentlemen,
We the Chairs of the Security Council want to take this chance to bring to you a press-release from the Secretary General of the United Nations, Mr Ban Ki Moon.

January 21, 2011,
For Immediate Release

The Secretary General is pleased to announce, or rather confirm since Wikileaks has already revealed, that the United Nations has launched and endorsed our very own Chinese-made Facebook duplicate, creatively titled ‘Statebook’.

Launched in 2008, Statebook is one part of the UN’s attempt to stimulate the world economy in the wake of the financial collapse. We are proud that the resolution to create Statebook was passed unanimously by the Security Council, although rather disappointed in the fact that it was the only resolution that wasn’t vetoed by either the US, Russia or China.

Since its launch, Statebook has been a resounding success, fulfilling its role in increasing interconnectivity between Head’s of States and speeding up communication between different parties. Here are just some of the many updates that have been found in the Newsfeed:

  • China and Taiwan are now In a Relationship. It’s complicated.
  • The IAEA has tagged Iran’s Nuclear Program in a satellite photo.
  • North Korea has changed its settings and now has a private profile.
  • The US un-liked Barack Obama’s fan-page
  • Iran has untagged itself from a satellite photo.
  • Tunisia has removed the Government application.
  • The US has written on China’s wall:
    Sorry Dude… I’ll get that money to you next year. I promise!
  • Greece, Ireland, Iceland, Spain and Portugal have all rushed to add Germany as a friend. So far, only Greece has been accepted.
  • Australia is now ‘Looking For’ emergency aid.
  • Canada invited France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, the UK, the USA and the EU to attend an event in Canada, the G8 Summit of 2010. As a private event, protesters were not invited.
  • Sudan has also removed the Government application.
  • Somali’s Government has changed its location from Mogadishu, Somalia to Nairobi, Kenya.
  • The United Kingdom now has 2 statebook profiles. The former was created by David Cameron, the latter was created by Nick Clegg.
  • Iran has removed the Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, Phone, Internet and Freedom applications from its page.
  • South Korea removed North Korea as a friend.
  • India is no longer ‘Looking For’ nuclear technology. It is now looking for a Permanent Security Council Seat.
  • The USA’s account was hacked by a man named Julian Assange, he subsequently posted all of the US’s messages on a website called wikileaks.
    Now that’s embarrassing…

If any of that made sense to you, I applaud you. For the rest, congratulations on having social life.

We would like to thank everyone for taking part in what will go down in history to be the best ACMUN ever. To Security Council Delegates: Get ready! To the rest of the committees: We appreciate the effort, and look forward to vetoing your suggestions later this week. Thank you and best of luck in your upcoming negotiations.

-United World Student Magazine-

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